Anger is always lurking, ready to spring into action. Everyone has to deal with it but everyone is not necessarily successful in doing so. Too often anger controls you rather than you controlling it. Like an exploded IED, it leaves behind shrapnel of churning negative emotion, frustration, and physical tension.
Anger is a natural, spontaneous, unavoidable, sometimes justified response that may open or close communication channels. You need to have an appropriate way to deal with it or the shrapnel can leave you and others bleeding.
Allen's new law partner, Carl, frequently has difficulty coping with his anger. It makes everyone in the office miserable. When Carl came into the office Saturday, he was already tightly-coiled, ready to explode. He raved, "A car cut in front of me on the freeway. That s.o.b. nearly killed me. Boy, I wish I had had a gun. I'd have shown him!"
Feeling intimidated and overwhelmed by this onslaught, Allen felt his stomach tighten sickeningly. He experienced this knot every time Carl started to rant. As much as he hated it, Allen did not know what to do. "Have a cup of coffee and a scone."
Carl continued, "My whole morning has been like this. When I took out the garbage, the bag broke. Of course, the dog wanted to go for a walk. The gas pump didn't give me a receipt. And I haven't prepared for the depositions on Monday. Life really craps on me!"
Allen looked at the floor and clenched his fists in his pants' pockets. He walked over to his desk to get a client's file and sighed, "I can't work like this."
Carl over-expresses his anger while Allen under-expresses his. Both have anger coping and communication issues that need to be acknowledged and managed. They need to learn how to appropriately express their negative emotions.
What can Carl do? When he feels anger start, he can put up his hand and say "STOP!" then remove himself either physically or psychologically from the situation. Closing his eyes and breathing from his diaphragm, he can take a few minutes to let the tension drain so he can think. He can then ask himself
- What is prompting this feeling?
- Is my acting this way changing anything that has already happened for the better?
- How can I express my anger constructively to make it work for me, not against me?
Allen can do the same behaviors as Carl and then ask himself
- How do I feel about what is going on?
- How can I constructively, calmly, and respectfully express my feelings?
- What would I like done to reduce his and my anger?
- What is the worst thing that can happen if I express my feelings about his anger?
Both Carl and Allen need to set up an anger-management goal to achieve. They need to create concrete and specific affirmations to use at the first sign of anger. Stopping, thinking, and reframing the emotion and situation can reinforce their positively coping with anger.
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